"It's hard to move forward because deep down you're still hoping the person you fell in love with is going to resurface... but the truth of the matter is they never existed. You fell in love with the idea of who they were and now you've been exposed to who they really are" (Dr. Kevin A. Williams).
You have to let go because the imaginative version of him or her will never be who they've shown themselves to be. You fell in love with a dream only to get to stuck with what you were never going to escape.... Reality.
I'll admit it. When my dad and I had that conversation, it broke yet another piece of my heart. I mean it was like really? I've called myself moving on and it seems like no matter how far I go, he, the past, still has some level of power to break me.
Well the truth was, I hadn't moved on. I was in the process and then after 9 months of no communication or sight, we reconnected. I thought I was strong enough and I wasn't. As the weeks went by, even though I knew I didn't have the intentions of getting back together, I found myself looking forward to seeing him on my timeline. I looked forward to him sliding in my DMs or hitting my phone for whatever. I looked forward to the conversation and without any intentions, I found myself yearning to talk to him. I became "fuzzy".
When I say "fuzzy" I mean I was in that place of "maybe he wants to get back together" or "maybe we could try again... time has passed, we've both grown... we're over whatever happened"..... let me help you. STAY AS LOGICAL AS POSSIBLE. "When women get fuzzy, they get optimistic" (Dr. Kevin A. Williams). The word fuzzy means difficulty to perceive clearly. Lord knows it happens to the best of us. We spend a lot of time in our relationships as fuzzy. Only a select handful are actually sure. I know I know, you never get to be sure... God overlooks you in that area, well listen here. YOU'RE PREACHING TO THE CHOIR A MESSAGE I'M TIRED OF HEARING. I've had to be hard on myself and stop that pity party. If you wanna be sure, pay attention to what's happening and stay in tune with God. (I'll talk about that at a later time... stay with me)
I was still in love or maybe I was still connected to and stuck on what I thought we were and could be. 70% of me was sure we would never be, but that other 30%..... was stuck. I wanted my baby back.... I wanted the dream he sold me... I wanted them both. I couldn't move forward without it or him without having understanding replace them.
See, I have this theory we are all holding on to something and we never truly let go of one thing without being able to hold on to something else... but that's neither here nor there. The understanding I was looking for, I tried to get from him. I tried to communicate that I needed it and we talked a couple of times. He didn't really give me anything that made sense though, because it wasn't what I wanted or needed to hear. It wasn't "I still love you lets get back together" nor was it "I never loved you, I was lying, I wanted to see other people, I just didn't want you".... it was a bunch of fuzz. It wasn't definitive nor something concrete I could stand on.
Needless to say, it kept me optimistic; Until I had a real conversation with my dad. He was gentle in giving me the understanding I needed but the truth itself was forceful. I don't know if what my father told me is that man's truth but I felt like it was something I could hold on to. It felt like understanding. My love was never truly my love. He was a fleeting glimpse of hope and not my resting place. He didn't sell me a dream he gave me something to buy into.
"You can't buy something without having the proof you've bought it. If you bought something and didn't get the product, you've invested into something and a knowledgeable man understands you don't always get a return. You bought into the dream but it was never your dream to begin with, it was his... and he has probably and will most likely sell that dream to someone else until he's had enough of what if and becomes ready to build what could be" (Dr. Kevin A. Williams).
So what do I do now? I have nothing. I have no dream. I have no him.
You search diligently for an understanding... you stand on YOUR truth. You did what you could and he wasn't where you was supposed to end. You journey forward the best way you know how. You fight for an open mind that will welcome new people. You condition yourself to not look back and rest in knowing what's for you will always find it's way to you. That's the promise of God. When in doubt, trust him.
*1 Corinthians 2 : 9-12 and 14*